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The Dream Deferred By Side Eye and Redeemed In Reality

Updated: Oct 27, 2021

The dream... The husband, 3 kids, house, car and dog.... Or what ever version of that “perfect life” I sought... I am so far from that place now it’s pretty much a blur however I know there was definitely some version of that dream that lived within me... Matter fact what I can tell you is that love for me has always been about a connection to someone’s mind. Love to me was the desire, ability and willingness to get to know someone beyond who they show up as in the world. I craved a connection that would create balance. Yin to my Yang. Like it was dope to me to watch a couple that just knows what the other needs in the times that they face... The dance of a devoted partnership was and is amazing to me. The ability to think it, told me it exist, but my reality left a much different impression. In relationships I studied my partner and I was pretty good at ascertaining their needs. What I sucked at was dealing with feelings of disappointment when I didn’t get my way, being jealous of connections that I felt superseded the connections we shared and not being the center of attention... I found it difficult to adapt when I lacked attention or praise. Something that developed as a child being “spoiled” by my grand parents. There I was the best girlfriend in the world, bringing spoiled energy and felling under appreciated. What I told myself, stuck with and lived by was that I had to be the center of attention! My attitude when I wasn’t was - Over it and Over you.... Just like that a few relationships ended. Regardless to whatever part they played in our end - I know that was largely my contribution and it was either the trigger or trigger reaction that ultimately turned into the demise of those relationships. Being spoiled even as a grown woman is something I have had to check myself about... I’m learning and growing every day. Before growth there was blame and that lead to jadedness and ultimately left side-eye. The side eye... With the dream behind me, I stepped into the side eye. When you try to commit to the wrong thing while not taking responsibility for your part, you will end up jaded with the side eye. The pain caused by making the decision to forgive, I mean accept instead of move on. When I provided a sense of comfort and sent a message that says you can do whatever you want to me and I will still be here to take it. I allowed soft words to become open legs that inseminate disrespect, disregard and disappointment into me; when I was filled up I was left to birth jaded side eye. The disbelief in the dream or at least the belief in the fact that it will never be my reality. Every man I encounter is some version of the same one I just left... No one in this world is loyal, faithful, supportive, trustworthy and will treat me with dignity, honor, respect. Yea I see that on socials but it is not real and if it is I will never find it. That’s fine because guess what I am owing. I declare my own happiness within myself and in true spoiled fashion if I ain’t getting what I want I’m out side eye and all. My reality... This side eye, blocked off space ain’t it! I really just want to smile again in a presence of someone I like enough to want to love. Can I laugh again, and figure out who this is looking back at me within a healed space. She ain’t happy. Prayer... Self Discovery... Prayer... Tears... Acceptance... Hard Talks... Landing on happiness only to discover that side eye could not live here. Healed beyond side eye, but to grow beyond here you have to let it all go and be open. So side eye was replaced with faith and the belief that what is meant for me will be mine no matter how that may come. If I asked God for it, it was on it’s way and my job was to prepare. I asked God to get me out of the disappointment that accompanied my side eye and I showed up to work and trust the process. And then came you... Lord are you sure that this is the route to go. Cause listen this is kinda like some situations I may have found myself in before. SIDE EYE was like hello I’m around if you need me. I said no, Side Eye I asked for it and I trust that if it ain’t for me it will not work no matter how hard I try to make it work. If I don’t remember anything from the dream I most certainly remember that so listen - I trust God, and I have faith in the process so lets see where we land. Still flying honey and what I can tell you is when we do land it will be together. Every doubt is met with assurance. Every over reaction met with calm. Every day we do life together. Right now we just up here enjoying the altitude. No seriously this is my reality. God, allowed the right man to find me that possesses every important attribute needed. Not wanted but needed!!! He is a lot of what I prayer for, but he is more than anything what I need. Ok let me explain... We all have these places that live within our own minds that we seldom invite the world into. From young we shelter that space because it is often misunderstood by other and when people misunderstand they criticize. Well I am like most and this is my reality... Now I will not say the he understands this place, but he allows be to be 100% me as I explore that space. He makes it safe for me to explore that space. And he even comes by to visit me although I can’t get him past the door way. It’s cool with me, no one ever - even knocked on the door. Okay maybe ya’ll don’t get what I mean when I say that. So let me try something else we have had 6 career promotions between us since being together. Ok- fine you think that is a coincidence. How about clearing debt and starting businesses... How about our children having businesses... Oh you think it just financial... How about the assurance that within the commitment -we are not going anywhere. Over is not an option! And in staying here lives a commitment that dictates we are going to make it peaceful to be here. Not perfect - PEACEFUL. There is a command and confirmation in God’s love and admiration of me in the man he sent to love me. Love that holds you accountable and encourages you to show up as your highest self, while providing comfort when you fail. He forces me to grow in my vulnerability while feeling fully protected and supported. God reached in the pits of my being to discover secrets and had to have shared those things with this man for him to know me so well. No matter how alike or different we are in personality we share a heart beat that give rhythm to our life. We are constantly on task to adjust that rhythm and find our flow. When it is right God sends confirmations. Like when I found myself in “too good to be true” thoughts. God will have him show up to confirm it isn’t “too good” it is sent by me and is GOOD. I have learned to accept God’s gift and be grateful. I pray for him more, talk to him more, I have learned to be more transparent in this relationship than ever in life. I am more compassionate and considerate. I have learned to bring more solutions than problems, more encouragement than condemning, more love than lust, more patience than acceptance, more laughter than tears, more support than dependency. And that is just what he bring to the table that I learned from. I stay in awe at it and keep trying to learn and perfect the practice of it. I just kinda do what he ask, cheer him on and listen to areas where I can be of service in hopes that he doesn’t catch on to the fact that I’m studying him. Him loving me is teaching me how to love him back & I appreciate the lesson.The drive, faith, trust, love, and respect needed on my part is there, it is the execution of the acts flawlessly I study him for. So that I can always be the best version of myself. Thank you Babe (Brian) for your contributions to our family. For the long days and nights... For the time away and the constant focus on our dreams and goals. I love you beyond measure and honor your place in my life. #ForBetterorWorsetilDeathdoUsPart

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